I lost my keys and found my peace on a "Silent Retreat."

A few weeks ago, I was mountain biking with my long-time friend, Troy Mayr. I don't remember the conversation we were having, but he said two words that really stuck out to me that day. He said, "Might be time for a silent retreat." Instantly I said, "What's a silent retreat?" I was clearly in a place where I was looking for or needing help; I just wasn't aware of it yet. Honestly, I was struggling emotionally with stress and anxiety due to the lockdown from COVID. Everything's okay in my life, but this past year was starting to wear on me. I haven't traveled, gone to movies, or raced my bike much. I just haven't got to do all the things I usually do, except for riding a bike alone or with a few select friends. Missing out on group rides and social connection just kind of starts to wear on you.

So, the next day I started looking up, "what's a silent retreat?" There are a variety of 10-day silent retreats in Joshua Tree. You basically don't talk to anybody, and you meditate. You don't even read or write; it's pretty extreme. So anyway, I go to bed that night after searching online for a while. I really struggled to fall asleep. I was lying in bed for what seemed like hours. I think I fell asleep around 1:30 in the morning. The next thing I know, I wake up; it's 5:30, so I've slept four hours! The thoughts start racing through my head, just thinking, thinking, thinking, and I can't sleep. I knew then that I wasn't going to fall back asleep.

I've also recently noticed there has been a bit of trembling in my hands. I knew it was caused by stress and anxiety. So I said to myself, "I've got to do something about this; it's not healthy." So right then and there, I thought, "Well, I need to get out in nature," that's always my place to reconnect. Even though I go mountain biking frequently in the local mountains, it wasn't getting the job done. I probably needed a slower version of being in nature, not speeding through the mountains on a mountain bike. So I looked on my phone to check the weather; it happened to be a frigid morning. I think it was in the forties in La Verne, where I live. And I said, "What's it like at the beach?" And, the beach was about ten degrees warmer. So I said, "You know what?" "I'm not going to lay here." "I'm going to take action because this is getting old; I have to take care of myself." Don't laugh; you talk to yourself too. lol

So, I got up and drove down to the beach before the sun was up, and I created my own silent retreat immediately; because I needed to check out or reset. I drove down to the Newport Balboa area, and I changed it up from what I'd typically do. I went with no radio, no music and I put my phone down. During that time, I worked on not thinking, and when a thought would come into my head, I would just let it pass by.

The drive was actually really nice and peaceful. I simply focused on my breathing, just basic meditation stuff I've learned from yoga classes. I'm by no means a mindfulness or meditation expert. In fact, I don't know anything, and I'm so ADD that I didn't even read the full detailed description of what a silent retreat is. But I kind of figured this is a personal thing, and it's something you can make your own, and if you can make up your own way to do it, then that's fine; that works for you. So, I just made up my own rules. I just said, "Okay, I'm going to drive down with no music and breathe," and that worked. And, I got down to the beach, and I decided to go to the wedge.

I had never seen the wedge. I didn't even know where it was, so I had to map it, and I end up parking over by Balboa Pier. I did take a phone with me because I knew I was going to want to take pictures. When I'm not taking photographs professionally, I'm pretty casual about it, so it wasn't a real distraction. I don't get all perfectionists about taking photos with my iPhone. So, I just walked, and I really slowed down, and I noticed myself walking kind of fast because that's how I am; I'm pretty wiry. And I said, "Nope, slow down and just be present." And, when thoughts would come into my head, I would simply let them go and refocus just on being there, being present, and focusing on my breath. And it was terrific; I started to really notice everything around me.

I noticed the texture and the sand, the sound of the water, the birds, what everyone was doing. People were walking on the beach, and dogs were running and playing. I really started to see all of it with much more clarity, and the body began to calm down. So I walked for about two hours, taking pictures along the way. Just slowly, slowly feeling better and better, the anxiety was slowly releasing. On a related side note, my asthma had been getting worse the last few months prior. If you're getting anxiety and stress, that doesn't help asthma. So, that started to release as well, and it seemed like I was on the path to relaxing my breathing and feeling better.

So anyway, I started walking back after walking from Balboa pier to the wedge; and I took it really, really slow, just enjoying it. I got to see the sunrise, which was just amazing. To see the morning light and to see how slow all of that happened, which taught me that I need to slow down, slow down and be present, and reassess things. And it was hard; it was challenging that the mind just wants to keep going, and going and going.

Troy explained to me the "monkey mind" concept many years ago on a bike ride, of course. In a nutshell; If your mind is constantly racing, you do not really have any deep thoughts. Because you're just going from one thing to the other, one thing to the other. What I notice is my mind just wants to go, go, go. I have to consciously slow down to allow more profound thoughts with clarity.

When my mind falls into the monkey mind trap, and I struggle to stop it. I simply step back and watch it as an outsider, almost like a waterfall; the thoughts are coming down like water. I say to myself, "Okay, I see that you're thinking I got to get to work, or how's my asthma doing, or I got a photoshoot later," whatever. Every time those thoughts would come up, I would just let them pass by and then get back to my breath. I detached myself from the thoughts and just watched them pass by. Get present to how blue the sky was, how beautiful the water is, the texture of the sand, the light, sunrise light raking across the sand was just gorgeous. I mean, every tiny grain of sand was just lit beautifully; it was terrific. And even then, I had to just kind of notice it and let it be and not think about it too much.

When I got close to the pier and my walk was complete, I took a moment to sit, close my eyes, and just listen to all the sounds. It was another impromptu attempt at meditation. I spent maybe a few minutes with my eyes closed, and in the end, I felt so much better. My hands weren't trembling anymore, my breathing wasn't restrained by asthma, and I felt calm and free from stress and anxiety.

Now that my walk was complete and I had clearly achieved the desired objectives, I decided to walk the pier and see what the fishermen were catching. As a kid, I always loved seeing what they're catching and what's going on. So, I start walking to the pier, and I get maybe, I don't even know, a fourth of the way down the dock, and I feel for my keys, just to make sure I still had them in my pocket. Ironically, I noticed when I started the silent retreat stroll, I kept checking for my keys to make sure they were in my pocket? I checked over and over and over, just a little bit of ADD, OCD kind of thing, checking for these keys. And as I'm walking, I told myself, "stop checking for your keys; this is stupid. They're in your pocket." Now I'm walking on the pier, and I feel for my keys, and there are no keys. Instantly I thought, "Oh man, I lost my keys." And, I had walked for two hours on the beach, and suddenly I think, "ut oh!"

Most people would panic and think, "Oh man, what am I going to do?" "How am I going to get home?" But I didn't. I thought, "Well, I feel good, I feel relaxed. What's the worst-case scenario? I walk on the beach for two hours looking for my keys. Or worse than that, I call a Toyota dealer and use my VIN number and have a key made, call my girlfriend, whatever, I'll work it out." It was an incredible feeling of peace and calm during a stressful situation. Instead of continuing down the pier to watch people fishing, I walked back to the beach, and I start looking for the keys. Because I was more conscious of what's going on during my beach stroll, I was more mindful of the sand, where I'd walked, and just everything, and I was more relaxed. So, I start walking back, and I go, "Oh, you know what? That spot where you sat down to meditate, maybe they fell out of your pocket there." I found the keys within like five minutes. It was amazing. I found them, and it was no big deal. 

So I chose to drive back home after finding my keys and my peace. I didn't turn the radio on, and the next few days were amazing. I had learned to quiet the mind; the shaking hands had calmed down substantially, and I was much more relaxed.

What I learned from the impromptu silent retreat was that my mind needed a break; just like we need sleep, my mind needed a reset. I had learned to create my own peace with my version of a silent retreat. My quiet retreat was probably not close to mindfulness if you asked other people experienced in mindfulness training. I told Troy about my journey. I said, "Oh, I was thinking this and that." And he's like, "You're not supposed to be thinking." I realized I got some work to do on this, but we all start at the beginning. So, it was a fantastic experience; it definitely helped me. After that, I got some coaching from him, and now I'm practicing just a few minutes of meditation a few days a week, and I'm feeling a lot better. My asthma is feeling better, and I'm sleeping better; it's just a great thing. 

I hesitate to write about this stuff on my blog because I think, "This is stupid; why are you telling people about your personal life?" So I sat on this story for a few weeks now out of insecurity, thinking, "Ugh, people don't want to hear this nonsense." But, I think it's a story that everyone can relate to right now, and it may help someone. It improved my experience of life in every imaginable way. I gained peace, and hopefully, you can relate to that and gain something for yourself.

I just wanted to share my story; and I hope you love my blog, and I would really appreciate comments. I'd love to hear some feedback, so I know that I'm not over here all alone, just thinking crazy thoughts. So anyway, have a great day and create your best life.